Zechs had hidden himself away in the library once Duo had taken Mareimeia into the city. Alone, he sat on the window seat and stared out the panes of glass overlooking the flourishing gardens. The sunlight filtered in, warming his skin. With a bitter smile he bowed his head and closed his eyes. 'The warmth on human flesh. But not on this mechanical being...'
He flexed the metal fingers of his left hand, noting how well they had been formed for easy movement. Movement that was merely a copy of a true hand. Dropping his arm back to his side, he returned his gaze to the outdoors.
Everything out in the garden was real and living... The life was real, all of the leaves, buds, and flowers warmed by sunlight. Not just parts of it...
How could Treize handle it? Or did he not even care? Was it possible not to hate himself after becoming... such a creature? Shaking his head, Zechs stood, fingers still flexing.
He walked slowly along the various shelves of books, not paying much attention what he was doing or where he was going. His mind wandered as thoughts rushed by, one moment remembering the thrill of flying his first Mobile Suit, and the next recalling the minutes of stunned realization that Treize was alive. Bursts of emotion passed through him, recalling passionate kisses and comforting embraces, both from a distant pass and others much more recent.
Shaking his as he laughed bitterly, Zechs stopped moving and leaned against one of the shelves. "It's only in the past now..." He shut his eyes and couldn't resist a shudder that passed through him.
There was such a void within... He felt so empty. It was as if nothing was left... Because of that, he knew that he'd lost himself. How could he continue to imitate his former self... that human life? "I can't feel anything..." he whispered almost silently, eyes tightly shut and hand fisted. What was left was only a deep pain and the spurts of occasional, remembered emotion.
'God... Duo you deserve better.'
If only he could disappear, vanish without a trace. He didn't want anyone to see this shadow of his former self. Didn't want anyone to look too closely at an unnatural form, devoid of feeling. There had to have been some better option than this... There just had to be... He tried to feel anger, build up the burning emotion and aim it at something, anything, but it wouldn't come...
He truly was... empty...
'If this is it... If this is now the life I lead, why was I "saved"? They should have just let me die... shit...'
Finally he opened his eyes again and straightened, making his way back to the window seat. This time he sat with his back to the glass, vacant eyes staring at an unknown spot on the carpeting before him. 'I should have just died...'
The air was so thick with strained silence. Treize was glad Duo had taken Mareimeia away for a bit. He couldn't imagine how the child was dealing with the unspoken troubles, but she had remained quiet and was not asking any questions.
Sighing, Treize brought a hand up to rub his temples. Zechs was hiding somewhere inside the estate, obviously not wanting to be found, and so Treize had let him be for the moment. He was taking a break outside, enjoying the abundance of life about him. The flowers bloomed in dazzling colors, their leaves and stems varying shades of green.
Touching the petals of a blooming rose, he could not feel the softness, only recalled how it had once felt to his former body. He closed his eyes, breathing in as the scent found its way to him. 'It would be so much easier if you'd let someone in, Mirialdo.' His eyes opened again and he reached a few inches beneath the rose and snapped the stem easily, taking it with him as he strolled down a garden path.
If he touched a thorn, there was no pain. It was very near impossible to physically feel much of anything. Smell, taste, sound, sight... that all remained. But touch was gone... He missed that, he most certainly missed that.
A memory came to him of a time years ago when he had spent one free day with Zechs. They had been lovers at the time, and it was still before the war, when they could keep high spirits fairly easily. That day they'd disappeared into a world of their own, running through fields of gold and green grasses. They'd laughed, and talked, enjoyed themselves... So much feeling and comfort. It had been such a wonderful day and continued to be a wonderful memory. Evening found the two lying in the grass, exchanging kisses as the stars came out. What stood out in that memory now, however, was just one instant... A moment when they were wrapped in a warm embrace, hands resting lightly on one another's sides. He could recall his fingers twined in pale strands of long, soft hair.
That warm, comforting presence... he would never be able to feel it again.
Treize's focus snapped to the present and he stopped, staring down at the rose in hand. He parted his fingers and the flower dropped to the ground in front of him. 'I wonder if you truly think I've adjusted.' His gaze lifted and he walked on, a blank expression covering his face. Behind him, the rose petals lay torn against the ground.
// "That emotionless machine...is MD right?" | Lady Une's voice... |
"Exactly, the production system here is now complete. The best military force to enforce Earth's order has now been created by the Romerfellar Foundation." | A response... 'But what is this...?' |
"Ha ha, I think I am starting to realize why Treize despise MD." | It was so familiar... A memory? But it wasn't his... |
"What are you talking about?!"
"Treize loves mankind, but he also loves their deaths, death has a great effect and expectation on human emotions. The feelings given by the deceased to the absolute correct and incorrectness of war... The glorious feelings and emotions will lead human being into making drastic decisions. And accepting one's death is the true way of an warrior."
| 'What did you tell her, Treize? Why do I hear this without knowing why...? It's not my place, not my memory...' |
"Isn't that the thinking of a weakling? We've already created MD, a warrior that will never die! We're about to create a history where we will surpass Death."
"Don't you realize, Tsubarov? MD is not surpassing death; it is a substitution created as a result of the human fear of dying." | 'A substitution...' He became all too aware of the contrast between flesh and machine, both hands rising up into his view. How would he age? How would his mechanical body fare? And Treize he was... |
"Nobody will fight if he knows he'll end up losing!"
"It doesn't matter if one's defeated in war. In war, emotions will become more and more superior. And finally one day, those who died in war will receive their rewards."
| 'All of us died, at least a bit... And if not immediately, than later from an echo of war... There are no rewards. What were you thinking? Nothing justifies those deaths... those deaths of parents leaving orphaned children, and of the children themselves... Innocence lost. How can anyone make up for that?' It was pretty words, but sounded empty to his ears. |
| The last of the voices faded, echoing faintly in the darkness surrounding him. War... The war of life was never really over, the war with oneself continued also. Could anyone ever truly promise peace? To imagine that once he was used those Dolls... those MDs for battle. 'Perhaps... this is my payback.' |
| He drifted through the darkness, wondering vaguely why he was here, hearing things that he was never part of. Slowly shapes and colors began to form, an image coming up around him. There was a small breeze passing over the sea of gold and green grasses and he felt his hair lift up and mask his vision. Pushing the pale strands back, he looked around and began walking, not fully knowing why. In some ways the area about him was familiar. As to why, he wasn't sure... |
| That question was soon was answered as he came to a halt, staring down at two very familiar figures lying on the ground, laughing, smiling, and kissing. This time it was his own memory. Looking up towards the sky, he closed his eyes, feeling only another stab of pain. 'I forgot that day. I let one happy day vanish from my mind.' When he opened his eyes again, the sky had darkened and stars began to shine. He looked down, catching the image of himself smiling, cheek resting against the top of ginger-colored hair. There was a hand twined in the strands of his image's hair. His attention quickly focused on open shirts of both images, however, and he was hit with the knowledge that flesh, real human flesh, covered both chests. |
| 'Well, we've both lost our humanity and with it such memories,' he thought bitterly, striding past the ghostly images and not looking back. 'Happiness...' he snickered lightly, realizing it must sound rather insane. No one was there to hear him, however, so he pressed on. 'Happiness is as far away as those tiny dots of stars; truly unobtainable.' With that bitter thought, a new emptiness made itself known and he realized that his dreams, hopes, and desires had suddenly fallen away from him. |
| Part of him wanted to panic, to grasp for whatever remaining threads of those dreams were left. He whirled around to sneer at the image behind him of joy. His surroundings vanished and he was left standing in the middle of darkness. 'They're all gone. Just let go... I don't deserve any of it any longer.' |
| He turned again and walked on, not caring that it seemed there was no where to go. Within, he argued with himself, trying to convince himself that there was no use to cling on to hopeless dreams. It was lost to him, he knew it. He didn't deserve any of it. He was no hero, did not have any claims to true happiness. |
| 'You're just a cruel beast. Learn to live with it...' He fell to one knee and clutched his head with his hands, shuddering with silent cries. |
"I was born to lead a life drenched with blood. It's too late to evade those sins. Let's finish this now, Heero!" | He looked up, hearing his own voice. Suddenly he was back in the cockpit of Epyon, holding the controls and facing against Wing Zero. |
"You ought to be seeing your future!" | 'What future do I have? I never had a future... not even then...' Wing Zero lunged towards Epyon and sliced off the left arm of the Mobile Suit. |
"Why didn't you kill me?" | His voice was deathly calm in that memory, and as it played he spoke along. 'Yes... Why didn't you? It would have been so much better...' |
| The memory began to fade, the remaining dialogue growing quieter. |
"Relena would be upset."
"Heero?!"
| The comm. call was the last thing he heard of the memory. 'Indeed. You should have killed me.' |
| His eyes shut once again, and he gave in. He just gave up and let the void swallow him. There couldn't be anything, anywhere, for him... So why not just give into the oblivion of pain and give up the rest? |
| 'I wish you'd kill me.' |
Duo woke and he remained still, blinking in the darkness as he tried to figure out why his rest had been disturbed. A long strand of pale hair slid over his hand and he studied his lover in the dim light, frowning as he heard a soft mutter. 'Nightmare, maybe?' he wondered.
Leaning in closer, Duo finally heard the faint murmur and froze with a mix of fear and pain gripping his heart tightly.
"I wish you'd kill me."
"Oh God..." Duo buried his head against Zechs' neck and shut his eyes tightly, fighting off the building pain in his temples. "Don't say that... don't say that..." he whispered, a hand raising to rest against one pale cheek. 'Please... don't give into it...'
Disturbed and hurt, Duo lay awake for a long time until sleep claimed him again.
Notes: During Zechs' dream&memory sequence, the familiar dialogue is from episode 25 and 49 according to the scripts on gundamwing.org