Why am I crying?
It's odd, but there's a tightness in my throat and a tension between my eyes like the onset of a sinus headache that tells me that I've been on the verge of tears all day. Then I thought of him. It's been so long since I've... I barely remember him. I was so young when he died; it seems so long ago but for a second I saw him so clearly. His portrait in the palace doesn't do him justice. There was a light in his pale blue eyes and that smile was on his lips when I tugged on his silver beard before he bounced me on his knee. I'd forgotten that smile. I'd forgotten that feeling of being so safe and so loved. For a split second, it came back to me and now I can't see past the tears in my eyes. It's just occurred to me that kings aren't supposed to bounce princes on their knees. It's must be written in a protocol book somewhere in Relena's library but there he was, doing exactly that.
Treize, remember when I told you that I only see him with blood in his hair and death in his eyes? He wasn't that way today. He smiled at me.
And what do I do?
I burst into tears. How's that for worthless?
Here's the oddest part. I still feel safe and so loved and not the least bit unworthy. So, why is my nose running and my eyes watery and puffy? There's also this ache in my heart that's been growing since I opened my eyes this morning.
There were soft puffs of breath between my shoulder blades and the longest braid draped over my waist. I don't wake up alone anymore, haven't since Relena got married and that was over two years ago. It's been just as long since I've come here to talk to you. There aren't any roses in the garden and the florist doesn't open on New Year's Day, so here I am with nothing but some news.
I'm sober. When I was last here, I would never have dreamt of ever being sober again, but I haven't been drunk since the wedding's hangover. Well, once, but we were both drunk that night and, true to his promise, I woke up alone the next morning. I was frantic 'til I tripped over him in the bathroom. There's that ache again.
This time yesterday morning, I'd thought I'd lost him. I thought he'd see his first love again and return to him the way I always thought I would if by some miracle you ever managed to come back to me. He didn't. He saw him, spoke to him, and then came back to me. He called me the love of his life, held me in his arms and told me that he'd never let me go. The last time I've felt this secure, both Father and Mother were still alive.
We were never about security, were we? We were everything to each other, but we were soldiers and we were at war. Security was never a factor in our relationship. I think I forgot that towards the end. After I lost you, it seemed all I wanted: to have you back, to be safe and secure in your arms again. But you never promised me forever, not once that I can recall. There was always, after the war or when we'd achieved the peace we were fighting to make desirable, but never forever.
I met your dragon last night. For the first time, I wondered if the two of you ever did more than duel, with swords, that is, in the dark. He's very focused, isn't he? I suppose I'll have to learn to get along with him, eventually. He seems very good friends with Max. It's easy to be friendly with him when he's talking, my Max is friendly with anyone when he's talking, but he only shares his silences with those he considers his true friends. They spoke of keeping in touch.
Your dragon is looking for you, Treize. Une has him looking for you. I thought... but I can see why rumors of you would need investigating. She is head of the Preventers and they are called that for a reason. She has him watching me, as if I might still be involved in such doings. Max would dust off his thermal scythe and slice and dice anyone who dared to approach me, which leads me back to why I'm here.
I can hear you asking, "Who is Max?"
You'd remember him as pilot 02, Duo Maxwell. He's found something in me worth loving, worth building a future with. I wake up in the morning and his arms are always around me, the way they are when I fall asleep at night. He's the man who promised me forever, last night.
You will always be special to me. I need to say that. There will always be a place in my heart for you but I... I'm going to give it to Max. Fully. All of it. You included. He knows that you are there. He understands that you are an integral part of my past, but he wants my future. All of it. It's all I have that is truly mine to give. I handed him the mess of my life over two years ago. I gave him my body almost two years ago, it's second our anniversary in February. I've made space for him in my heart.
I thought I'd left you behind 'til your dragon raised the possibility of your return last night. He'd understand. He would. If you were suddenly here, standing before me and I... I did what I always thought I'd do. He'd understand. It would break his heart but he would understand. I wouldn't.
That's why I need to do this. I came to tell you that I won't be waiting for you anymore. I'd be overjoyed to see you again, but my soul is no longer yours to claim. Please understand. I have a future that I can picture and look forward to for the first time in years. I'd never be able to leave him, not anymore, not when I came so close to losing him. I felt this way about you once, but you sent me away.
Well, he wants me by his side. He wants me in his arms. He's planning a future for us. We planted a tree at Christmas, our very own Christmas tree in our own backyard.
I'll always miss you but I can let you go now. It's so good to be able to feel again. He's filled all my empty spaces and all I can give him in return is my heart, my soul and all my tomorrows.
Please be happy for me, Treize.
Goodbye.
End Addendum