Disclaimer: The characters belong to Sotsu, Sunrise, Bandai Entertainment, I neither claim them nor certainly make any money off them!
Pairing: 6x2
Rating: Lemony in places
Time Setting: Post-series, three years later (minus events in Ground Zero, Blind Target, Endless Waltz as when I started this, I hadn't seen or read about these yet)
Summary: A chance meeting leads to the recovery of a wounded heart.
Sitting next to Zechs in the car as they returned to the hotel where they were staying on C-125, Duo had to bite his lip and stuff his hands between his thighs as he tried desperately not to talk or touch the man beside him. [I have to wait for him now,] he kept telling himself over and over like a litany. [I can't press him, not now! He promised Heero he would talk to me - maybe he's just waiting until we get back. Will he invite me into his room? Surely we don't have to go back to Peacegarden this late in the day. When are we going to dinner? Maybe we can order in? Is he ready to talk to me about... us?] Duo shivered, hoping against hope that somehow in all this Foundation transition business, Zechs was starting to believe in himself again.
Zechs was silent, apparently concentrating solely on driving. Within he was struggling with the return of his confusion, stayed these last few days because of the frenzy of the transformation of the White Fang. In that time he'd barely exchanged many personal words with either Heero or Duo at all, as if he'd stepped into another self for a time. And perhaps he had - Milliardo Peacecraft. But now that necessity was evaporating, and he could finally be "Zechs" again. Whomever that was... [I've been Zechs longer than I've been Milliardo,] he realized with a cold, sinking feeling inside. [I don't know either of them. What have I been doing this past week? Who is the leader of the Peacecraft Foundation really?]
The pain was returning, the cold, icy grip that stilled his tongue, froze his heart, immobilized him from reaching out to the bright offering of life beside him. [What am I doing? I could have given over the Foundation altogether to Unter and Kausch... it is best that I disappear entirely. I don't even deserve the respite the children give me. Perhaps... I can manage to do it... finally... release myself from life...]
Abruptly Zechs stopped the car, braking hard, then put it into park and got out. But he only got about four steps away when he froze again, staring stonily at the ground, his hands folding into fists. [Duo... I could never, ever do that to him. And I promised I wouldn't run...]
Duo, alarmed, had jumped out as well, and ran around the front of the car to intercept Zechs. When the man stopped suddenly, Duo grabbed his arms, giving him a shake. "I don't have to be a mind-reader to see bad things going on in there, Zechs, and that just can't be! You heard Heero; you *have* to let me in!"
Zechs endured the shaking, his eyes falling closed. He suddenly felt weak and defenseless against the bright life battering at him relentlessly. [So tired... tired of the pain, tired of failing, tired of hurting those around me...]
Abruptly Duo realized he was actually holding Zechs up. The man was leaning on him heavily, his head bowed. "Zechs? Zechs!! Man, don't do this to me... you know I thought you looked a little peaked this morning, what with all our running around. If you weren't feeling well, why didn't you say something? What am I saying... anyway, let's get you back in the car. I'll drive..." He got Zechs's arm around his shoulders and slung his arm around the taller man's waist, maneuvering him to the other side of the car. Zechs was as pliant as a child, silently going where he was led.
Duo made record, but careful time as he got them back to the hotel where they'd been staying. To his relief, Zechs got out of the car on his own and came with him upstairs, though he wouldn't talk to or look at Duo, lost even deeper in his own private hell.
Once the door to Zechs's suite closed and they were alone finally, Duo left him standing a few feet inside the door while he stripped off his own shirt, letting it fly onto the floor, then retrieved a bottle of juice from a small refrigerator. He brought it over to Zechs, opened it, and held it up. "Drink," he muttered, looking askance at the pale face of the man.
Zechs glanced at the juice, then took the bottle and sipped from it. Then he looked at Duo... finally. "Thank you," he murmured. "I apologize for... earlier. And now I see I am going to be in debt to you as well." [I feel... numb... nothing...]
"You got that right," Duo muttered, daring to lay his hands on Zechs's chest, palms down, not caring whether the man wanted to be touched or not. "You need me right now. I'm going to drag you back to the land of the living if it kills me."
The odd statement with its quirky contradiction caused Zechs to raise a white eyebrow at him. "Even if I go kicking and screaming?"
"Especially then," Duo replied, the corner of his wide mouth curving up slyly, a gleam in his eye. "Now you have to repay Heero. Are we going to talk or what? Or am I going to have to put you in bed and climb into your arms to hold you until your heart feels better so we can talk then?"
Zechs tensed minutely, then realized his companion was shirtless. He glanced down at the finely muscled shoulders and chest, then back up into his very delicious rascal's blue-violet eyes. "I... I'm not ready to talk," he said quietly.
Duo took the bottle away, then moved to take Zechs's long, black coat from him, peeling it off the tall man's broad shoulders. "That settles it then," Duo chirped, his braid dancing against his naked back. He tossed the coat onto a nearby chair and grabbed Zechs's hand, then began towing him toward the bed in the suite, which was in the next room. "It's cuddle time, and way long overdue, if you ask me!"
He made Zechs toe off his shoes, then Duo pushed him onto the bed, bidding him scoot over to make room. Zechs lay back with a sigh, closing his eyes momentarily until a weight settled against the full length of his side and legs. Emitting a little groan, Zechs rolled to his side and gave into inevitability, pulling Duo into his arms. Immediately the smaller form fitted into his embrace, the head of chestnut hair pillowed on his chest.
"Ohhhh, I need this almost as much as you," Duo murmured, nuzzling under Zechs's chin. "I'm going to shut up now, and we're just going to rest here like this. God, Zechs, I can feel the tension in you! You're hard as a rock, and not in a good way. You need to calm and just let your mind float, let go of the worries. Just think of me right now as medicine you need really, really badly..." He trailed off, his eyes closing, though a good part of him was feeling exceedingly happy to be so close, laying in Zechs's arms, surrounded by his warmth and subtle scent, pleasantly fresh and clean like a spring woods, and uniquely Zechs.
[God, he smells and feels good,] Duo thought, then tried not to think about where he was too much. [No way is he ready to feel how much I want him and crave him. Just a while longer... he needs healing so much. If he just lets me... I know I can heal him. He has to feel his own goodness, let his own light dispel the darkness that cripples him. And I'm going to be there every step of the way...]
They lay there like that in silence for a good ten minutes before Zechs emitted a deep sigh and pulled away a little so he could look at Duo. "All I really remember of those years I spent in boarding schools is being lonely and ostracized because my family had gotten themselves killed," he began to relate, looking into the watchful, wide eyes of the young man cradled in his arms. "Though I was a prince, I had no kingdom, and therefore the children of aristocrats with whom I attended schools treated me like I was damaged beyond repair, hopeless and useless."
"Snobs," Duo murmured quietly. Now that Zechs had started to talk, he was determined not to comment too much. [Just want... just want to love him. Can't I just do that?]
"Yes, I suppose they were," Zechs replied, nodding with a sigh. "When I was younger I had more friends, of course, especially with the Catalonia children and of course... Treize Khushrenada. I met up with Treize again my last year of regular school, and he was the one who recommended that I join up with OZ in order to position myself to take revenge on the general who'd ordered the strike... when the opportunity presented itself."
"Did you?" Duo asked, astonished.
The ice-blue eyes still looked dead. "Indeed, I did. I shot the man in cold-blood then went inside to ask forgiveness of my father at the base of his picture in the main hall. I had thrown away his teachings about pacifism in order to make myself a soldier for that one moment of revenge. I should be scorned and pitied for that alone."
Duo gave him a snort of irony. "If I did that, Zechs, I'd be the worst kind of hypocrite!"
"What?" Zechs asked, bewildered.
Chuckling, Duo tapped at his chest. "You're looking at the God of Death here, you know - that's what I used to call myself! And my mission in life, at least at the beginning, was to blow up OZ mobile suits to get back at the Alliance for blowing up Maxwell Church and the folks who took care of me. Revenge in war is just a fact of life! I don't regret what I did. It was nasty, dangerous times, kill or be killed. War is death and war is hell. It just is. In war you gotta do what you gotta do and that's that. Not that I'm not glad as hell that it's all over. It's not my choice to kill. But if there's killing to be done, I'm not going to shirk my responsibilities." [Oops,] he thought after his speech, [I was going to let him do all the talking.]
"You're saying the killing is justified," Zechs responded with a heavy sigh.
"I didn't kill just to kill, if that's what you are thinking," Duo murmured. "Nor did you."
Zechs shifted position, uncomfortable. "Men died under my command - three when we first faced Gundam 01."
"You were facing an unknown enemy! How were you to know how strong Gundams were?"
"Lieutenant Otto died flying the Tallgeese to liberate my country..."
"Yeah, I heard about that one - the idiot. Noin told me. The man made his own decision to throw away his life. Next?"
Zechs searched the serious eyes watching him. Clearly Duo was going to counter every single argument he could make. "Barge," he muttered, knowing it was the biggest offense he'd committed, worse even than firing Libra's cannon upon a deserted area of the Earth.
"Epyon," Duo countered, frowning. "You know, Zechs, you're really missing the big picture here."
"I am? It seems pretty simple to me. I killed people..."
"And that's what I'm talking about - you *killed* as in past tense, as in the war is *over*." Duo looked deep into the crystalline eyes, wanting to shake Zechs until the man stopped hating himself. "Can you undo the past?"
The beautiful eyes closed. "No."
"Right, but you can affect the present and the future. Let me ask you something, Zechs..."
[He's never going to give up,] Zechs thought wearily. [I just want to sleep, to forget... pretend I'm someone else...] "What's that?"
"Why did you forgive the White Fang? I mean most of them, those who decided to join the Foundation. Why?"
Zechs opened his eyes again. The boy was so earnest and pure, so full of zeal. "They had repented... or they hadn't known what Danzer was doing behind their backs."
"Do you forgive Unter?"
[Damn, I think I see where this is going...] "Yes, of course."
"Why? He was Danzer's right hand man!" [He's gotta see my point,] Duo worried. [He just has to!]
"He... he doesn't want to be like that anymore. He's sick of warring, too. And... he's relieved it's over."
"Just like you."
"What?" Zechs felt a chill ripple through him, the unforgiving tease of truth.
Duo reached up and held Zechs's face in his hands, parting the soft, platinum tendrils to see his eyes better. "Unter is just like you, Zechs," he said quietly, stroking the man's face gently. "He's a good man again, *just like you*."
"I...I guess I see your point," Zechs murmured hesitatingly.
"There's more..." Duo released his face and burrowed down into his arms again.
[I might as well let this tide drown me. I owe Heero and there's no escaping this gamin little beauty. Oh, to love this one...] "Go ahead," he muttered.
But first Duo wanted to snuggle a bit more. "I was going to let you do all the talking and here I'm harping at you already," he whispered in a muffled voice, rubbing his face against the older man's shoulder. He stroked the silken hair that had come forward. It was like creamy white satin. He'd only seen satin once; Sister Helen had a little satin cloth in which she wrapped the star for the church's Christmas tree before putting it away for another year. "I guess I'm a lot to put up with."
"Now who's being disparaging," Zechs replied gently. "You had more to say?"
"Yeah, I do." Duo sighed and levered up a little to look at him again. "Do you forgive Unter?"
"Of course I do. I'm not sure, however, that I could forgive Danzer Quinze," Zechs murmured. "He deliberately took advantage of not only my inattention, but of innocent children."
"How about Ginger?"
"Yes." Zechs sighed and glanced up at him. "She's truly sorry for her part in the embezzlement."
"Now the big one - can you forgive yourself?" Duo's eyes seemed to grow even larger and more luminous like twin moons that sought to sink into the ocean of the eyes of the man he loved.
Zechs could not have looked away if he'd wanted to. "I... don't know. I don't know if I can. Maybe..." He trailed off, uncertain.
"Maybe what?" [Is he unbending finally? Am I getting to him?] Duo thought, feeling intensely the sweet ache of love in his heart for this man.
"Maybe... you could help me," Zechs whispered so low Duo almost couldn't hear him.
[Oooohh, melt me!] Duo smiled gently. "I'd love to!" He fought off a sudden impulse to lay kisses all over Zechs's face, settling for a quick rub of his nose against the man's chin, daring only that much. When Zechs gave him a little smile in response, he relaxed. [We're going to be okay...] "But I have one last little argument for you, Zechs." Duo wanted also to call him by sweet endearments, but couldn't yet think of any for his - hopefully - big, sexy lover.
"What's that?" The ice-blue eyes had picked up some warmth finally as Zechs gazed down into Duo's eyes.
"Just... this." Duo took a deep breath, pausing for a couple seconds to rub a small circle with his finger at the base of Zechs's throat. "Only a truly good person would feel this much pain at the thought that he might not be. If you weren't as good as I know you are, Zechs, you would not be in pain like this."
Zechs frowned and stared at him. "What? I wouldn't be in pain?"
Duo's cobalt eyes were bright but intent, his fingertips still resting lightly on Zechs's collarbone. "No, you sure wouldn't be! A killer feels nothing for those he kills. You feel so much, Zechs! You have the spirit of a warrior like I do, but your heart is compassionate." He made an ironic noise. "In fact, I could learn a lot from you. I *have* learned a lot from you. When I met you on the street that day... I didn't have a purpose in life." Duo tucked his face into Zechs's neck suddenly, his next words muffled. "Now I do."
Zechs's arms closed around the slender frame in his embrace, holding tightly onto this sweet promise of a young man as if Duo was his lifeline. "Oh, Duo..." he murmured quietly, "what a miracle you are..." Then he could not say anymore, his throat tightened with emotion. [You give me hope, Duo Maxwell,] he continued in his mind, hoping he could get the words out for real one day. [You help me believe in myself... maybe I can forgive myself... maybe I can believe in myself at last. Only because of your faith... oh, Duo... what you said about feeling the pain. I hadn't thought of that, I never realized... but you're right, oh, you're right...]
[Ohhhh, this is where I belong!] Duo thought, his heart soaring. "Then you're gonna let me in? You're gonna let me love you?"
[What if he's right? What if there is good in me? Can I risk harming him if I love him? He wants to - I'm not forcing him to love me...] Zechs slipped his fingers up into the mass of chestnut hair above the braid, then tipped Duo's head back so he could look at him again. Crystalline, pale blue eyes met eyes of deepest blue, so full of hope and wonder. "How can I say no to you, Duo Maxwell?" Zechs sighed, his lips curving into a small smile. "Especially when I need your love so much?"
Duo brightened, grinning. "Is that a yes? 'Cause I know you're just as head over heels with me, Zechs, and you can't tell me you aren't!"
Zechs's smile widened. "You got me there. Yes, you little minx, you've quite effectively stolen my heart." Then, all too soon, he sobered, the sadness returning to his eyes for a moment. "But please give me time... I don't think I'm ready to love you as you deserve." He looked down at the lithe, slim body in his arms. "I... I'm sorry."
[Cold shower for me tonight,] Duo thought, but was careful to keep a smile on his face. "Hey, understandable. It's okay, really. I'm just happy you're letting me in your life, Zechs. That's all that matters, is that you let me be here for you, okay?"
"Yes... but I would give you a promise for the future, my angel..." Zechs held the sweet young face in his hands, then bent his head to kiss him slowly and deeply.
[Oh, shit!] Duo thought, feeling dizzy and exhilarated, whimpering into Zechs's mouth as it opened against his. [And he's going to make me wait after *this*? I'll die first...] He returned the kiss fervently, feeling a rush of love within him for this amazing - and gorgeous - man.
All too abruptly it was ended, and to Duo's dismay, that was the end of the cuddling as well. Breathing hard, Zechs pulled out of the kiss, rolled away, and got up from the bed, his heart pounding. Duo sat up halfway, gaping at him. [At least he doesn't run from me anymore... and is he trembling? "You..." he said finally, needing to cut the silence, "you called me your angel, why?"
Zechs looked down at his hands, which were shaking minutely. "Because you are." He took a deep breath. "I am going out for a short while; I'll be back by dinnertime, I promise." Then he turned around, making himself face Duo's wondering gaze. "I'll be fine... eventually." He forced a smile. "Thanks to you." Then he turned away, retrieving his shoes. "I'll be back soon."
Duo let him go, not saying a word. Of course it wouldn't be that easy for Zechs to shed his doubts and pain. [I knew that going into this.] When Zechs had gone, he lay back against the bed, looking up at the ceiling. [Hell, we did achieve a lot! He listened to me, held me, then let me in and kissed me. Not bad for an afternoon's work!] Duo wiped at his eye when he felt a stinging, then looked at his hand, surprised to see tears. [Just give him time, Maxwell...]