Heero stared at the wall above the bed once occupied by a bouncy braided boy. It was bad enough that he had to see him every day in class, but coming back to the room they had shared was painful.
Given up to me
You're living - rotting- in my dream
There was a tentative knock on his door.
"Go away."
He heard a catch of breath, then "Heero, please, let me in."
"If you want. It's open."
A very concerned Quatre opened the door slowly, poking his head around the door before walking in. "Heero, please, talk to me. Tell me what's wrong. Not that I don't have an idea, but I think you'd feel better if you talked to someone about it." He sat on the edge of the bed next to Heero.
I hate this room, this empty bed, with its memories. I miss him. I can't believe it. "What do you want me to say? That I miss Duo? Fine. I miss him." He refused to let his voice betray his emotions, but he knew he wouldn't have much success.
"Heero, if you don't open up, you'll be miserable forever." He put his arm around the dark-haired boy's shoulders.
Surprised by the touch, Heero started to pull away.
"Heero, it's okay." Quatre pulled him back. "Talk to me."
He turned to face his blond friend. "Quatre, I miss him. I never thought I would." He felt a lump starting in his throat and tried to suppress it, to little avail. "He got on my nerves. I guess I thought..." He had to stop. His voice cracked, and he felt something strange happen. He started crying. I'm crying. I shouldn't be crying.
Quatre took the sobbing boy's head and held it against his chest, stroking his hair.
It's my fault. All my fault. I drove him away. I can't tell anyone. It's all my fault.
When the sobs subsided, Quatre handed him a tissue and let him regain his composure.
"Thanks."
"Are you ready to finish what you were saying?"
"I guess. I never thought he'd leave. I mean, I guess I always took his presence for granted. Always thought he'd be there." His voice caught again, but he didn't start crying again. He was regaining his composure. "Anyway, yeah. I can understand why he left. He said he needed someone who could talk to him, someone who would be open. I can't be that person. It's better that way, I guess." He looked at his watch. "I've got some work to do. Thanks for coming over. I'll see you in class tomorrow."
Quatre looked puzzled at his sudden change in demeanor, but he left anyway, guessing that Heero just wanted some more time alone.
When Heero closed the door and locked it behind Quatre, he opened a locked cupboard, took out a bottle, opened it, turned out the lights, and sat in his bed, drinking.
Morning lights to red
"I think I've had too much already"
The sound of his alarm came crashing on his ears. His head pounded, a thousand hammers beating his skull. That was incredibly stupid. Why did you decide to drink all that? I guess I'll just have to go to class anyway. He got up, slowly, being careful not to fall over, and headed for the shower, stopping in the small lavatory in his room to take a couple pain tablets. The rush of hot water over his head and skin helped to wake him, and as he washed, he felt some of the misery from the night before wash away with the soapy water.
Eating breakfast alone, he had time to clear his mind and remove the misery, at least until classes ended for the day.
Sitting at his desk, he tried to avoid meeting Duo's eyes when the other boy entered the room. He could not resist looking up and seeing the broad smile on his face and the light in his eyes. If only that smile were for me, again. He remembered the few times he'd made those deep blue eyes sparkle like that. Stop it. Stop thinking about that.
Fortunately, the teacher began a lecture on medieval warfare, which drew his mind away from those thoughts.
So violently to touch, it's tearing me up
So beautifully to clutch, I'm feeling so weak
So violently to touch, you're everything
So violently to touch
After school, he saw Duo standing outside. Go talk to him. Say something. He walked over. "Duo. Hi." This being friendly thing is pretty tough.
"Heero. What do you want?"
"I just wanted to, um, say hello." Baka. You sound like a total moron.
"Hello. Is that it?" Duo looked bored.
"I, um. Well, uh, no. I wanted to see how things were going with you." He fidgeted. I'm fidgeting. What is this? What sort of power does he hold over me?
"I'm still living with Zechs, if that's what you're trying to get at. He and I are getting along well. He should be here any time now, actually." He looked around the courtyard as if to emphasize his point.
Heero grabbed him in a rough hug.
"What are you doing? Let go of me."
"I miss you. I didn't realize how much until now." Idiot! You're scaring him. That's not going to help get him back. He let go and looked into the large, round eyes. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bother you. I'll just go."
"Heero, wait."
He stopped, trying to subdue the faint rising of hope.
"It's okay. I mean, we can be friends, right?"
"Sure. Friends." Is that it? Friends? I deserve it. It's my fault. He offered his hand and was glad when the other took it.
"Friends."
Because you're always slipping away
Because you're always slipping away from me
Always slipping away
Because you're always slipping away from me
Zechs finally arrived. Heero tried not to let the sight of them overwhelm him with sadness. It's so hard, seeing you in his arms, knowing you're in his bed at night. He turned his head so he wouldn't see their embrace.
"I'll see you tomorrow, Heero. Have a good evening, 'kay?" Duo waved as he walked off with Zechs.
"Yeah." Off into the sunset. He walked back to his room, where he started doing homework, only to find his thoughts turning to Duo.
Aimless misery
Things aren't always what they seem
Moping wasn't doing any good, but he didn't really feel like doing anything but sit around. When Trowa and Quatre came over, always attempting to cheer him up, he would put on his best "I'm fine" attitude and go along with whatever crazy scheme they'd concocted. One time they tried taking him to miniature golf. He'd actually enjoyed hitting the little ball. The physics of the situation challenged his mind, and he'd done well on all of his shots.
But that night, he sat in his room, pretending to do his homework.
Anger lay to rest
"I've never been the one to follow"
Unable to concentrate, he took a piece of paper and a pen and started writing.
Duo, I am very sorry for having been so cold toward you. I know you are happy now, with Zechs, and I can't fault you for going to him. He makes you happy in ways I never could, and you deserve that. I am slowly getting used to the empty bed and the quiet created with your absence. I miss your presence, the sound of your voice, everything you brought into this small impersonal space that engraved it with you. I will get over it. I will not burn with anger when I see you together.
He stopped writing to read over it. He folded it up and put it in his top desk drawer. He picked up his books and started doing his work, finding it somewhat easier with that note written, even if he had no intention of delivering it. But it doesn't mean I'm going to feel any better.
So violently to touch, it's tearing me down
So beautifully to clutch, is what you believe
So violently to touch I'm anything
So violently to touch
After finishing his assignments, he brushed his teeth, locked the door, and turned out the lights. Lying in his bed, he reached down and began touching himself. All those nights of staring at the empty bed, thinking of Duo had built up much frustration and desire. He found himself thinking of the first time they'd been together. Duo had just returned from the shower one hot evening, and he had been combing his hair. Heero had felt himself harden watching the boy standing there in his towel, combing. He had worked up the nerve to cross the room and kiss the naked boy. To his surprise, the boy had kissed back, almost as if he'd wanted it. Remembering how it had felt that night several months before, Heero felt his body convulse as he reached the sweet release he so desperately needed.
Not a memory
Your cup of life is overflowing
In class the next day, Heero smiled at Duo. Friends. Must act like it. He couldn't shake the memories of the few times they'd been together. The braided boy exuded sexuality. Heero wondered if he realized it. There's no way that could be unconscious. He has to realize he's doing it.
Heero watched Duo talking animatedly to Quatre. He wouldn't listen, though. That would be unfair.
The teacher started class. Heero was silently thankful, because it meant he didn't have to think about Duo anymore, or at least not for the time being.
There to catch the fall
Bending down to kiss the sorrow
At lunch, Heero sat with Duo, Quatre and Trowa. He needed to try to act like the friend he said he'd be. Even if his heart felt like it was being torn in two. Duo sat next to him, an endless fountain of speech in stark contrast to his own silence. He suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned his head and saw Duo smiling at him and demanding a response to his question.
"I'm sorry, what was the question? I was lost in thought."
He grinned. "I said we were friends again, right?"
Heero smiled weakly. "Yeah. Friends." Only friends, and never more. He felt a lump rising in his throat. No, not here. I can't do this here. Not in front of anyone. He stood up abruptly and said, "I have a little bit of a headache. I'm going to my room to lay down for a while."
Duo stared after him for a second before getting up to follow him back to his room.
Opening the door, he found Heero lying on his bed, with his face buried in the pillow. "Heero? What's wrong?"
"Go away. Or at least shut the damned door." Why did he have to follow me? Dammit. I don't want him to see me like this. He felt the bed start to sag. Looking over, he saw Duo looking at him with an expression he was not used to seeing. He looked almost sad.
"Heero, please, tell me what's wrong. I know it's hard for you, but, please, talk to me. I'm your friend, right?" His large round eyes pleaded.
"In the top drawer of my desk, there's a piece of paper. Take it out, and read it."
Duo looked confusedly at him, but did as he was told, reading the letter Heero had written to him the night before.
"It's not everything, but it's something." What does that mean? Geez.
Duo took his seat next to Heero on the side of the bed. "Heero, I didn't know you felt this way." He leaned forward and gently kissed his forehead. "Would it be easier for you if I didn't talk to you as much?"
"I... no. It's hard for me, no matter what. I'm realizing, slowly, how cold I must seem to everyone else, and it.. it hurts."
So silently to touch, it's tearing me down
Innocently to clutch, I'm feeling so weak
"Heero." Duo sat more fully on the bed and pulled Heero close, holding him and gently stroking his hair. "A few times, I got to see a side of you that was warm and caring. Unfortunately, I didn't get to see it very often. Yes, that is a large part of the reason I'm with Zechs now. I don't see us being together, at least not as lovers. But, Heero, I would like us to be friends. If it's too hard for you, I'll back off, give you some time and all. Yeah, it'll be hard with us having a few classes together, but..."
He doesn't dislike me? Heero looked at Duo. He's sincere. He really wants to be my friend. Even after what a bastard I was to him. "No, no... I'll be fine, I think. We can be friends."
"Great!" Duo grabbed him in a bear hug, then looked at his watch. "Ack! We're late for class. You'd better wash your face. I'll come up with a good excuse."
Heero smiled and went to wash his face. He's good at excuses. I bet he was a hellraiser at his old school.
They hurried to class. When they arrived, Duo said, "Sorry we're late. We were doing homework together last night, and I forgot it in Heero's room."
The teacher shook his head and motioned for them to sit.
Heero waited outside with Duo after school.
"Are you sure you're going to be okay?"
"Yeah, I'll be fine. Zechs is here. You should go."
"Yeah." He clapped Heero on the back. "See ya tomorrow."
"Yeah." Heero averted his eyes when Duo jumped into Zechs' arms and kissed him.
So violently to touch, I'm anything
So violently to touch
Because you're always slipping away
Because you're always slipping away from me
Always slipping away
Because you're always slipping away from me.
Returning to his room, Heero opened a locked cabinet and withdrew a bottle of black currant-flvored vodka. He sat on his bed and took a long drink. As the tart liquid flowed down his throat, he felt his sorrow melt away into sweet oblivion.