Hungover, Heero tried valiantly to maintain the air of cheerfulness he'd worked so hard to build the last few days. Being cheerful only made his head hurt worse, but he was determined not to lose the veneer. After all, he'd decided to enact plan B while still using plan A. And if what he had planned for this afternoon didn't work, he didn't know what he'd do.
After school, Heero walked with Duo toward the place where they waited together for Zechs. Working up the nerve, Heero spoke. "Duo, I've missed your presence in my room a lot. I didn't realize how much I need you in my life until you'd gone."
"Heero, I told you. I don't want you trying to get me back. I'm happy with Zechs. Please, stop doing this to me." His voice almost broke on the last sentence.
Heero, however, was determined. He grabbed the boy by his waist and pulled him close. "I remember the way you responded the first time I kissed you." He pulled the struggling boy's head toward him and kissed him.
Duo struggled. "Heero, don't. It's over between us. And if you don't let me go, I swear I won't speak to you again."
No I never meant to, but my mind already did
If you made an offer I would strip you to the skin
Heero stopped, but he didn't relax his hold on the braided one's slender waist. Does he mean that? What if he does? I can't... His arm dropped limply to his side, defeatedly.
Are you trying to forget?
I'm still making love to it
Duo could not believe what was happening. Have the past few days been merely an elaborate ruse to try to get me back? Bringing his shock under control, he said, "Heero, the past few days have been great. It was refreshing to see you happy and enjoying life. Were you only pretending?"
Heero looked back at him. His face had gone from the almost predatory look it had had when he grabbed Duo to a vacant stare. "What if I was? I'm not pretending that I miss you."
Are you having some regret?
I don't even want to know.
Duo saw the look on Heero's face. He looked sad and possibly apologetic, but his posture exuded defiance. Is he sorry? And for what? For trying to get me to do something I didn't want to, or for being something he isn't to try to get me back? He sighed. "Heero, I hate to do this, but I think it's the only option I have right now."
Heero stared into the deep blue-violet eyes that were filled with sympathy and sorrow.
"I think it would be best if we limited our interactions to class time. It's obviously too hard for you to see me this often." He patted Heero briefly on the back. "I'll see you in class tomorrow, okay?"
Heero mutely nodded. I failed. I'll never get him back now. I give up.
You're selling me.
Disintegrating
Into the light
Heero sat on the grass where he had remained when Duo had gone to meet Zechs. His resolve was gone, trickling down his face in the flow of silent tears that slowly dried up as his emotions began shutting down.
Zechs was waiting for Duo when he arrived. He noted the expression on Duo's face. "Is something wrong?" he asked, wrapping his long arms around Duo's shaking body.
Disintegrating
I'm counting your lies
Manipulated
Cast me aside
I can't believe Heero did that to me. He's been lying to me, pretending all this time. Duo took several deep breaths and recounted what had just happened.
Zechs' expression went from worried to angry. "I'll make him regret it," he growled. "He should not have touched you."
"No, don't. I'm only going to see him during class."
"You'll still have to wait out here for me after school. What if he tries something then?"
Duo shook his head. "I don't think he's going to." I don't know if he's going to do anything anymore. He remembered the hollow look Heero had had in his eyes when he walked away and shuddered.
"If you say so, dear. Just know that I'll try to get here faster after class." He held Duo by the shoulders. "Let's go home."
Heero stood up and started walking to his room.
Disintegrating
I'm losing myself this time
Heero sat on his bed, periodically moving to raise a bottle of brown liquid to his lips. He felt the pain of the day falling away from him as the pleasant numbness overtook him. He felt the pressure to maintain the facade he had carefully kept up the past week drain away as the bottle slowly drained into his throat. He felt his reasons for living disappear into the fog that slowly filled his mind.
All you little playthings are so hard to understand
Send me to the test tube where your innocence began
Duo, I tried. I tried to understand you. I tried to do things I thought would make you happy and would bring you back to me. You accepted my game so innocently. You unknowingly played right into my hands. Will you ever forgive me?
So be careful when you pray
Chasing every word you say
His handwriting was very shaky and drawn out, the barely-legible scrawl of someone intoxicated. He only stopped when his mind forced him to relive the scene on the walk that afternoon. When the tormenting scene had finished playing itself out, he picked his pen up and continued writing.
I'm sorry for what I tried to do this afternoon. It was wrong of me.
Do you really want to know?
All is here to beg and borrow
I deluded myself into thinking that being more alive and responsive would be enough to get you back. I can't apologize enough. Feeling darkness approaching, Heero capped his pen, closed the notebook, put it on his desk, and stumbled to his bed.
Duo was picking at the dinner Zechs had made. He couldn't shake the face of Heero Yuy from his mind. His mind replayed the scene, always freeze-framing the end, when he had walked away from Heero. The look on his face was something he didn't want to see, but some part of his conscience didn't want him to forget.
"Duo, please eat something more," Zechs pleaded.
"I'm not hungry." Heero's face tormented him. He stood up. "I'm sorry. I can't eat." He walked over to the couch and dropped dejectedly onto it.
You're selling me.
Disintegrating
Into the light
Disintegrating
I'm counting your lies
Manipulated
I can't believe I believed his lies. Am I that naive? His thoughts turned darker. Is Zechs manipulating me? Am I falling into a big lie? He shook his head. If he didn't care, would he act the way he does? He shut his eyes, holding back tears. Was everything he believed false? Was the man he had fallen so hopelessly in love with lying to him? A soft voice answered the questions that remained unspoken.
"Duo, I love you. Don't forget that."
Strong arms embraced him, smoothing away any doubts that the tall blond was anything but sincere.
Cast me aside
Disintegrating
I'm losing myself this time
There's no chance he'll take me back. Heero slipped into unconsciousness.
The alarm clock reminded him that he was still alive, as did the pain in his head and sick feeling in his stomach. Slowly rising, he went through the routine he performed every morning. It was as if he were a robot running on automatic.
Sitting in class, he avoided meeting Duo's eyes when the other boy entered the room.
Feeling so infected by everything you do
Looking unaffected, nothing I can do for you
Heero watched his every move, taking it in like a greedy child eating his last ice cream cone. Duo was exquisite. His face was plastered with its normal grin, but there was the slightest hint of sadness in his sparkling eyes. He heard Duo's voice. It was speaking with Quatre. Its melodious tone fell like sweet music on the ears of one who knew he would soon be condemned to deafness.
Do you really think I care
That you sit around and stare?
Have you anything to do?
Duo noticed Heero watching him, the hollow look that had haunted him the previous night still there. He didn't mind the fact that Heero was staring at him, but the eerie look in his eyes made him turn his head. Is he doing that on purpose? It's creeping me out.
He continued telling Quatre what Heero had done the day before.
Does everything cave in around you?
"His world has crashed down around him, and he's given up," Quatre said, sensing the other boy's pain.
"What? How do you know that?" Duo was incredulous.
"I've always been a bit of an empath. I can feel other people's pain."
Duo shook his head confusedly. "If you say so. I feel bad that he's like this, like it's almost my fault, but I'm angry that he played that game with me. It's not fair. I told him I wasn't going to leave Zechs."
The bell rang, and Duo took his seat behind Heero.
You're selling me.
Disintegrating
Into the light
Disintegrating
I'm counting your lies
Manipulated
He felt himself torn in opposite directions by his feelings. In the end, his anger at Heero's betrayal Was it really betrayal? He betrayed my trust and our friendship. won.
At the end of classes, Heero returned to his room and opened the notebook he had written in the night before. He tore out the page with his drunken scribble and copied it onto a clean page with his neat handwriting.
Cast me aside
Disintegrating
I'm losing myself this time.